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Confessions of a “CouldaBeen”

It was the Olympic Trials.

I was prepared, physically. I was experiencing the best season of my life and found myself edging closer to my longed-for 200Ft. throw in competition and making the USA Olympic Track & Field Team (just typing it, gives me butterflies). I was 27 years old and I thought of this moment since I started throwing discus at age 15. Ranked 5th in the USA and 32nd in the world, I stepped into the stadium in Sacramento, California. Physically, I was ready to go, ready to accomplish, and just like my discus, ready to soar.

My muscle fibers were ready to fire, waiting for me to summon them to the front lines for me. My nerve endings were tingling, ready for the signal from my nervous system for go time.

This was my moment, physically.

Mentally, however, I had lost before I had ever begun.

I speak with much passion these days about the importance of mind, mindset, positivity, visualization, belief, focus, beginning in mind, manifestations of mind, living from within, ceasing to compare oneself to others, etc., and I can date that learning experience today right back to my “moment” at the USA Olympic Trials. It was then that I learned and now share with many, how imperative it is to create your vision (what you want to accomplish) and believe in your vision, have faith in yourself attaining that vision and therefore trusting your abilities in order to live/experience your vision.

I spent many practices, many lifting sessions, many competitions driven by fear. I functioned externally. I watched everyone around me and compared myself to them. I glanced at their warm-up procedures and wondered “why they were doing it that way,” – “maybe I should have been doing it that way.” If someone was moving more weight in the weight room, I shuttered. “They are stronger than me, this is not good.”  I saw the focus on many faces, yet could not truly find my own. I fought within my mind every day to “convince” myself that I WAS the accomplished athlete with a ‘BIG FUTURE’ like everyone saw.

I never believed it. I never believed in me. I never had faith in me. I never trusted my abilities. I never focused enough on what I was doing to gauge my PERSONAL progression. The constant state of comparison to others put me in a perpetual state of confusion, self-doubt, fear, distraction. I was led to believe, by my own creation in mind, that I was not good enough and failure would be the end result. Stepping into competition at the Olympic Trials, was a mental battleground for me.

In the first paragraph of this entry, I noted that “I was 27 years old and I thought of this moment since I started throwing discus at age 15.” Notice how I did not say “Dreamed of this moment….” I never did legitimately “Dream of it” because I was always placing my energy and thought process into, the outcomes of “what if I didn’t.”

I concluded my Olympic Trials experience with a 7th place finish, no Olympic Team in sight, and a true fail since I would never competitively throw again.

So why do I share this turning point moment with you?

I am sharing my experience with you to inspire you to understand that your dream is WITHIN you! Although your actions, your training, your preparation, your competition, etc. occurs in the outside world, what you are thinking about is growing the belief and faith in your ability inside of you. Directing your energy towards your personal betterment as you approach your actions on a daily basis will feed your personal belief. Focus inward. Focus on you. See your dream (vision), close your eyes, and meditate on your dream (vision). Whatever you want to accomplish truly begins with a belief in yourself and that belief grows stronger every moment when you’re focused on YOUR own accomplishments, big, small, or tiny.

I ask myself often. Imagine what I could have accomplished, had I truly believed in myself, and aligned my physical preparation with my personal belief preparation. Imagine the athlete I “Couldabeen,” but then again, had that happened, I would never have had the chance to share with you this experience and perhaps give you a chance to break your own cycle of disbelief.

This is my Inspiration Thru Experience.